Chatting with the Chaplains gives elderly residents forum to discuss life and loss

January 2025

The chaplains at Marguerite's House Assisted Living in Lawrence, Massachusetts, have come up with a simple way to help address the spiritual needs and concerns of residents: a good chat.

Chatting with the Chaplains started last fall and has become a monthly safe space for residents of all faiths to support one another. While it isn't a bereavement or a therapy group, the residents who attend often talk about loss: of a spouse, of friends and even children, of parts of their independence.

"At this age, most of us are unable to be members of our former parishes any longer, for a lot of different reasons," said resident Mary O'Brien, 88. "I feel that we have created a community of our own, where two or more are gathered in his name, there he is. I feel that we give, and we also get, and I feel it really helps me with any problems that come along in my life. I'm just very grateful that we have very caring, loving, spirit-filled chaplains here."

Cullen

The group discussion is led by Adrienne Cullen, director of mission and spiritual care at Mary Immaculate Health/Care Services, and Mary Immaculate chaplain Beth Young. The assisted living facility is part of Mary Immaculate Health/Care Services, which is a member of Andover, Massachusetts-based Covenant Health.

"I think, in health care or just in society itself, things are just so busy that people are running from one thing to the next, that you can miss out on these opportunities if you don't stop and listen and be present," said Young. "I feel like it's really important that we cultivate a space where we can listen."

Addressing loss
Cullen and Young said the idea came after Marguerite's House residents experienced what seemed to be quite a few losses last summer. Neighbors died, or family members died, and some residents moved away or to the nursing home or rehabilitation facility on campus.

Young

"I think they were all kind of feeling that sense of loss," said Cullen.

Activity directors told Cullen they thought the residents could use some sort of bereavement group. Cullen had led a bereavement group in her previous work as a pastoral associate. To gauge interest in a group at Marguerite's House, the facility invited Care Dimensions hospice services to present a workshop on grief. It was very well received, Cullen said, and residents wanted to continue the conversation.

The name Chatting with the Chaplains came up, and it stuck.

"But it's nice that it's not called a bereavement group, it's just Chatting with the Chaplains," said Cullen. "We try to keep it open-ended. It's about loss, but also about something that's maybe heavy on your heart, that you're just carrying and might want to share."

Beth Young, wearing mask, leads discussions with residents for Chatting with the Chaplains. Young is a chaplain with Mary Immaculate Health/Care Services. Marguerite's House is part of Mary Immaculate Health/Care Services.

 

Meetings last about an hour, and Young and Cullen usually start with a song to set the tone, giving residents lyrics on a handout so they can sing along. Sometimes there's a theme for meetings, though residents usually take the conversation wherever they want to go. The meetings end with residents passing around a trinity cross as a talking stick of sorts, a reminder that as Jesus relied on God, God is also with them. A traditional crucifix can be a reminder for some of the love Jesus has for them, but for others, it can cause distress that God would allow his only son to suffer, Cullen explained. The trinity cross depicts a loving father holding Jesus up and allowing Jesus to lean into him in his time of distress.

"And the Holy Spirit is right there with them, filling Jesus with God the father's spirit and grace," she said.

As they hold the cross, group members are invited to share a grace they received during the meeting. They can also offer a prayer or petition or praise and gratitude. "That's their time, and they are talking to Jesus," said Cullen. "Then when they're finished, they pass it on to the next person. And it's very respectful. I mean, you could hear a pin drop."

The session concludes with the Lord's Prayer.

There are some ground rules: participants know they are sharing in a sacred space in that the stories do not leave the room. It's also OK to not talk much at all. No one offers advice unless it's asked for, and residents are asked not to dominate the conversation, though that hasn't been an issue.

It's a lively forum, and about six to a dozen residents attend each time. Because different people attend, the dynamic varies, Cullen said. And yes, there's often laughter.

The gatherings have helped residents become closer, Cullen and Young said.

"Even when you see residents each day and ask them, 'Hey, how are you?' and they say 'fine,' or if they ask us and we say, 'We're fine,' it almost feels like there's not always that time and place where you have time to really truly talk about how you're actually feeling," said Young. "So it's refreshing that in the group, they don't have to put up this facade like, I'm fine, that I'm OK. They can talk about what's really weighing on their heart."

Christine "Tina" Bohannan, 77, holds a trinity cross that is used as a talking stick of sorts at Chatting with the Chaplains, a monthly gathering of residents from Marguerite's House Assisted Living in Lawrence, Massachusetts, to talk about loss and life.

 

'A blessing from God'
It's also helped with personal family interactions. During the meeting in December, the group talked about the holidays, and one older resident expressed frustration that family members would stick her in the corner during gatherings. She said it seemed like nobody wanted to bother with her. But this year, she claimed a seat at the kitchen island, in the middle of the action.

"She wound up having a wonderful time," said Cullen. "I was like, isn't that great that you can advocate a little for yourself, and you can change things?"

Joyce Lister, 82, appreciates the chats because she can talk about her son, who died a couple years ago. "I had no one to talk to about it, and I didn't know what to do with it," she said. "I couldn't talk to my own children because they were suffering, too. And I came here and one time, I spoke and I got it all out. I've enjoyed the group for other reasons, too, and the nice feeling of camaraderie and knowing that whatever you say here, stays here."

Al Wihry, 86, told the group about his wife, who has Alzheimer's disease and lives in the memory unit on campus. He often takes walks to visit her.

"I find the group to be very helpful to me, because at the present time, I don't have many problems, but it's nice to know that I'm not alone when I do," he said.

Christine "Tina" Bohannan, 77, appreciates that people of different backgrounds come together to share. "It's a mixture of whoever you are or whatever you need, and everybody is welcomed with no questions asked," she said. "We have the freedom to unburden ourselves with some of the things that we may be worried about or have been in crisis with. To me, it's a blessing from God."

 

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